Some Stock Market/Financial Jokes ........

"I hear that you drop some money in Markets. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

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Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

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The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Sensex was unchanged and they called it a rally......

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The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.


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October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
- Mark Twain


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These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:
"Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"

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Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" (he's waitin always to get the price...)

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Q: How do you get a broker down from a tree? A: Cut the rope.

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The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried

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Wallstreet Market Commentary ...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...


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There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%


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The best time to buy anything is last year

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Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.

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A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

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"A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!"